he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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