If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
