Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Randomize
