Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
