her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
