Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
