Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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