I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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