dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
