i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
