Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Randomize
