i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Then you guys just all showered together...?
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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