yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I want to be your penis for a week.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Randomize
