Kareoke will never be a sober sport
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Randomize