I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
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