I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
