Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
