GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Randomize
