i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
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