so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
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