I met the friendliest cop last night
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Randomize
