Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
