I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
Randomize
