and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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