Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize