I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
