For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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