your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
