i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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