he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
