I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Randomize
