Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
