And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
