There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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