I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize