My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Randomize
