So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
