I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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