He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
If I die, sorry about rent.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Randomize