I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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