It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Randomize
