grandma shit on top of the toilet
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
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