If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize