Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
