Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
