I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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