Since when is my name a synonym for head?
of course. lets lasso hookers.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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