I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
