So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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