I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Randomize
