Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
