There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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