I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
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