good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize