the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Randomize
