I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
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