it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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