my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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