can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
There's always time for handjobs
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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